Why I Don't Have Friends.

I'm so sick of everyone and their bullshit. People who say they're your friends but they're really bullshitting you like there's no end. It's like, I don't know. All of these people say they're my friends and that they know me and everything. They don't. They have no fucking clue. Most of them don't know jack shit about me, and when I say "me," I mean the real me.

It's not that I haven't tried to have a friend like that, it's just that people are so caught up in themselves. And I realized this when I was young. People just don't care. I am just so sick of these people calling me "friend" if we're nothing more than mere acquaintances. I'm not your friend, and you're not my friend. I don't have any real friend. I've never had a real friend, and I'm content with that. I don't like getting close to people because all anyone cares about are themselves. I don't want to be friends with people like that. Because if I do end up caring for someone, I try my best to make them happy, to see them smile, etc., etc. But would they do the same for me? Doubt it.

And yes, sometimes I do get lonely. I get sad, I cry. But then I get over it, and I move on. Because the last thing I want to do is waste my tears on people who don't even care. People who don't even know me. And that's okay.

I don't mind being alone.

For now.

Second Post.

My second post of the night. I'm in one of those moods. I was in one of my moods not that long ago. I was actually watching the last episode of Yu-Gi-Oh! Online (I'm a geek, I guess I'll make a post more about myself soon), and I don't know what came over me. They were talking about friendship (shocking), and Atem was moving on to where he belonged, and it honestly broke my heart. I mean, the friendship was so strong and loyal, I wonder what it's like to lose someone like that. I wonder what it's like to have a connection with someone like that.

I've never had that connection with someone. Someone whom you can totally and completely trust. I've never had a real friend. People just always leave. I usually mock myself for being so lonely. I crack jokes and laugh at myself. But then I have nights like these, where I wish I had someone to talk to. To laugh with. Someone who believed in me. And I get so worked up over it, I get so emotional over it, and it's not pretty. But then I go back to mocking myself. I don't know.

Is it me?

Everyone thinks I'm always so happy and that I have so many friends and that everything is okay.

People have no clue.

Love.

What is love? Like, what really is love? I don't think I've felt love before. Well, the love I'm talking about. I feel love for my parents, for most of my siblings....but what is it? How do you know you love someone? And when? How do you know they love you? Are words enough? Proving it? But how exactly, do they prove it? It's confusing. Scary even. I don't know if I'd be able to handle something like love.

Family

My family, well, we haven't been a family since I moved down south (I'm from good ol' Boston, MA). Actually, before that too, it was just more defined when we moved. Even when we lived in Boston though, my mom would try and have a get together so that we could all be together as a family. Their excuse? They were to busy or they didn't have enough gas money or they just out right didn't come. 

Seriously?

My mom tried so hard to keep this family together and she gets repaid with shit. I have elder siblings up North still and all my family does is complain about having to help them and such. I wouldn't be the one talking, since the majority of my elder cousins are alcoholics and druggies. They didn't even come to my Quinceanera (it was supposed to be huge and only a my siblings, 2 of my cousins, my granny, and my 2 only friends and their families came), but yet, when my cousin had her Quince, me and my whole family went up there just to make it. And now they're having a family reunion without us?

Fuck you.

I honestly hope one day you realize just about how much of low lives you all actually are. You don't know the meaning of family if that's how you're going to be. At first I used to miss you guys but while living here, I've realized how you guys truly are and I'm glad I moved to GA. I hope one day you guys learn a valuable lesson on family one day. Because now, you all are nothing to me.